This song parodies “Ya Got Trouble” by Meredith Wilson from the 1957 Broadway musical The Music Man. The lyrics are in italics and, similar to the original song, a number of narrations occur throughout that take the form of sermons—in this case, to teachers. Responses from the people appear in green.

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“We Got Trouble Right Here in University”

We’ve got trouble. Yessiree, we’ve got trouble, right here in University. We’ve got trouble and that starts with T and that rhymes with C … and G … and E … and both C and E again. And PC. And they stand for Cheat sheets. And Grade inflation. And Evaluations. And Calculators. And Errors. And … Partial credit! 

Friend, are you not aware
of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the Cheat sheets in your classrooms
Well, ya got trouble, my friend, right here
I say, trouble right here in University!

[Refrain]
Oh, we got trouble!
Right here in University!
Right here in University!

With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "C"
And that stands for Cheat sheets!

Have you noticed your students not remembering much? In fact, are you asking them to remember anything at all? For many years I’ve been providing beautiful sheets of formulas, definitions, and diagrams in my tests. But is this a good thing? I mean, for years I’ve noticed that my students recall, well, very little.  Heck, it’s necessary to remember something!

Friend, either you're closing your eyes
To a situation you do not wish to acknowledge
Why, sure we’re grade-inflators
Certainly mighty proud we say
We’re always mighty proud to say it
Many straight-A students
Well, ya got trouble, my friend, right here
I say, trouble right here in University!

[Refrain]
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "G"
And that stands for Grade inflation! 

Friends at different universities are opening their eyes and observing the same thing I am. We have an increasing number of graduates with 4.00 GPAs. Among other things, this makes it difficult to use grades and grade point averages in selecting graduate school applicants. And when a senior has a perfect record, how can you not award them with the “best senior” award? What would their parents say?

Now, friends, lemme tell you what I mean
Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six back-scratchers
Scratching that marks the diff'rence
Between a “fair” and a “good”
With a capital "G,"
Well, ya got Gs, my friend, right here
I say, Gs right here in University!

Oh, we got Gs!

With a capital "G"
And that rhymes with "E"
And that stands for Evaluations!

I also wonder to what extent Grade inflation is in lockstep with the growth of student evaluations. While I’m certain he was an outstanding instructor, a friend explained his great ratings by confessing he was an easy grader. I remember when the average was always a C, a practice that got excruciating in upper-level classes. You know, the old “grading on a curve.” Maybe it’s just a coincidence that was before this era of questionnaires.

Why sure I'm a button pusher
Certainly mighty proud I say
I'm always mighty proud to say it
I consider that the hours I spend
With a calculator are golden
You want to know somethin’
Here’s a button for it
And somethin’ else?
Another button
OOM ZOOM KAH-BOOM!
Well, ya got trouble, my friend, right here
I say, trouble right here in University!

[Refrain]
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "C"
And that stands for Calculator!

If you ask a youngster to multiply a couple of numbers, or divide them, it’s guaranteed they’ll trot out their calculator to get an answer. There’s also a good chance they’ll take the answer at face value and confidently offer it up in response. Here’s probably the biggest problem with that. They might mispunch a key and not just get a wrong answer, but a really wrong answer. We certainly need mentally to at least get to an order of magnitude.

Now, friends, lemme tell you what I mean
Ya got numbers added and subtracted
Multiplied and divided
Answers that make the difference
Between a winner and a bum
With a capital "B,"
And that rhymes with “E” and that stands for Errors
Well, ya got bums, my friend, right here
I say, bums right here in University!

Oh, we got bums!
Right here in University!

With a capital "B"
And that rhymes with "E"
And that stands for Errors!

I offer up the following test, ladies and gentlemen. Ask your students to carry out by hand some arithmetic without that blessed calculator. Only ask for an answer correct to one or two significant figures. Arrange the numerators, denominators, and square roots, and everything to cancel out nicely, it won’t matter. I bet your students will make a significant error.

Yessiree you got lots and lots of trouble
I’m thinkin’ of kids taking tests

Without a perfect score
But just as I say
It takes a genius
To get a perfect score
Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents
To accept a less than perfect score
But I know all your young folk
Been hankerin’ for that perfect score
And all their teachers, too
I’m going to be perfectly frank

You got trouble
Right here in University
Trouble with a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P"
and that stands for Perfect score!

Oh, we want perfection!
Right here in University!
[Repeat]

With a capital "P"
And that’s really short for "PC"
And that stands for Partial credit!

A miss is as good as a mile? Well, we don’t seem to think so. Any miss is big credit. In fact, Partial credit. Cheat sheets give students material to plug into the white spaces and get credit. Mispunches and numerical errors are penalized very little. Partial credit inflates grades, and teachers who give lots of it may get inflated evaluations. Yessir, we’ve got PC, the granddaddy of troubles.

Our students are in some fundamental sense as good or better than ever. They are doing first-rate research with faculty that requires critical thinking and the discipline needed to check results.  But we might make them greater by lessening their troubles, yes, their Troubles in University.

Yes, you got lots and lots of trouble
Right here in University
Trouble with a capital "T"
And that rhymes with C, G, E, and PC
Youth'll be Sheet-cheatin' away
I say your young folks'll be Sheet-cheatin'!
Never mind gettin' Grades inflated
Despite calculatin’ Errors
Never mind scratchin’ the teachers’ back
Scratching and Evaluating
'Til they perfect a scratchin’ of your’n
On any night and that's trouble
Double rhymin’ with "PC"
And braggin' all about
One fine night, they leave the University
Headin' for the great outdoors
Friends, the spoiled brain is the Devil's playground!
Trouble!

[Refrain]
Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble...

Mothers and Fathers of University!
Heed that warning before it's too late!
Watch for the telltale signs of corruption!
Trouble, trouble, trouble!
Well, if so my friends
Ya got trouble!

[Refrain]
With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "D"
And that stands for the Devil!
Oh, we got trouble
We're in terrible, terrible trouble
Our school with all the crutches are the devil's tools!
Devil's tools!

Remember my friends, listen to me, because our students pass our school but once! 

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